Hooray for you, Mari Sasano.

It’s the controversial HPV vaccine, and they’ve finally approved giving it to grade 5 girls in school. But one thing keeps bugging me about the way that it’s being discussed.

Why is it “controversial?” They say that it’ll encourage young girls to have sex. They say it will give them a false sense of security. But you know what? It’s not about sex. It’s about cancer.

The only reason why you’d want to prevent HPV (a really super-common STI, even among really nice girls) is that being infected with HPV increases your chances of getting cervical cancer. People moaning about “What will I tell my daughter?” should just tell them, it stops a disease that gives you cancer. Easy. You never have to mention sex at all, and besides, if she’s smart she’ll know that a whole slough of other STI’s are out there waiting for her other than HPV, so it’s not like she’s going to feel safer because of this one thing. Less sexual education lulls you into a false sense of security. Comprehensive sex ed tells you it feels awesome, but makes you think twice when you hear about all the things that can happen. If all you know is that bad things are going to happen, you are going to be in a serious state of confusion when you find out that, in spite of everything they told you, you TOTALLY want to do it.

Secondly, just because you trust your daughter to wait for marriage doesn’t mean that the fella she gives it up to on her wedding night will be HPV (or any other STI-)-free. You can hope that everyone never has sex, but people do, even if they’re told not to. Heck, even if they don’t want to. And don’t you know about that the Christian loophole of sinning and repenting? Even if your girl is as pure as the driven snow, they should at least vaccinate all the boys. I’m not saying that all boys have carte blanche to fuck around before marriage, but I’m betting a lot of them think they do.

And oh yeah, nice girls already feel weird about other people thinking they’re sluts if they buy condoms. In fact, ONLY sluts feel comfortable getting rubbers, and so they are more likely to use them. So it’s like this: you can find out about your daughter’s “mistakes” when she gets cancer, or in an awkward confession. Isn’t it better to be covered?

There’s no doubt about it, Altman has made some American masterpieces. Nashville? Gosford Park? Required watching, definitely. But he’s not really known for his consistency. Dr. T and the Women, aside from the truer-than-truth part with Farrah Fawcett wading through the mall fountain, is total blech.

His 1980 Disney Popeye, on the other hand, takes it to an all new level. It is unwatchable. How long can you watch Robin Williams muttering to himself, only to be interrupted by songs– songs like Olive Oyl’s ode to her fiance, Bluto, whose primary virtue, she sings, is that he is “large”?

It also seems to not be properly lit, and it you get this feeling of… WRONG. Later, I realized it’s because there is no ambient sound (birds chirping, waves washing on shore of this coastal town, wind, etc.), as if everything was recorded in studio after filming, and everyone talks AT THE SAME TIME. When you consider the character voices, yes, it’s unbearable.

We made it through about 30 minutes before discovering that a Simpsons rerun was on the Comedy channel. It was the one with the documentary filmmaker who studies the students of Springfield, and the Lisa goes on a campaign to turn all the lights out.

NOTE: Major spoilers, folks. Don’t read if you want to save the ending.

So I was a little less than enthusiastic about seeing this, which is why I waited so long (also, we were always too tardy/tired/tardy-tired to get to the screenings previously).

But you know what, it’s not bad. After the initial “old dude” jokes got out of the way, I enjoyed it immensely. Harrison Ford? Still hot. It’s not a physical thing, it’s a wisecracking/intellectual thing. Also, his new glasses are super-cute. And for some reason, it doesn’t look too weird that this senior citizen is doing all that. Why is that? Oh right. DENIAL.

Even the storyline, which is by all standards preposterous, gets away with it because they execute it so well. Nevertheless, the following things are wrong: Shia Lebeouf’s Mutt Williams character is a little “Poochie”– he rides a Harley, is the object of a “hit in the nuts” joke, and SWASHBUCKLES. It ain’t right. And Cate Blanchett, though lovely in her bangs, seems to be unable to move her lips to talk. Also, they never get around to explaining about those wicked-ass Indians who are always there at the nick of time to protect their sacred artifact and temple. Then again, the Indy movies were always a little xenophobic– nothing new here, but it still sucks. Like, no one thought to ask them the whereabouts of a hidden temple in the jungle, which they know like the back of their hand? Not even the archaeologist?

But like I said, they are very good at sweeping you up in it, mostly because our beloved characters are back. Karen Allen… swoon! So never mind the space aliens and the wedding (!?!). It’s no weirder than the Ark of the Covenant.

It’s like a vomitus made up of the worst ideas of designers and drama students.