What did I really expect? Something of some thoughtfulness and quality from the maker of the uber-creepy Polar Express (seriously, you need to have a talk with your kids about hanging out with strange men after).
Yeah, it’s all animated. It’s like watching a movie cast with only Gollums, except they are Angelina Jolie and John Malkovich instead. Or if someone made a movie using the Sims. There’s something really off-putting about that, and besides, if you’re going to cast voices and make them look exactly like how they look in real life, why animate them? To put a mane of Pantene-worthy hair on Malkovich? Heard of WIGS, people? Malkovich looks like he’s wearing one anyhow, it just would have been thousands of dollars cheaper.
Speaking of wrong hair– ANGELINA’S PREHENSILE BRAID. And her stiletto, er, feet. Why did they have to make Grendel’s mom a pinup? Oh right. To convince us that all the kings of the Danes wanted to sleep with her, never mind that it never happened in the original poem. And everyone’s skin looks way too smooth to be pre-Christian Geats and Danes. They had neither moisturser nor Botox, but there you go. Expressions are weird, as a result. Check out Robin Wright-Penn’s worried/constipated deal throughout.
And the “I AM BEOWULF” has got to go. Really, people. Just the silliest dialogue. My favourite?
“Many men have come to taste my lord’s mead.” Seriously, the entire audience cracked up. Nevertheless, it’s only BECAUSE of all the missteps that I actually kind of love this version of Beowulf. Zemeckis is no Sturla Gunnarsson, but I’ll take it.